| Coda |
[Feb. 6th, 2006|09:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Saul Williams - Talk to Strangers | ] |
When I started this blog/journal/whatever about 4 years ago, the intention was to have a place I could express my thoughts and feelings without worrying about who was read it. Thats because I told no one about it for a long time. As years passed, I ended up telling a few people about it, who are probably still alive, but I doubt any of them have checked back on this blog. Even if they have or do or will, it doesn't matter. The sense of amusement they will derive from reading about my sado-masochistic exploits means nothing to me. There are more important things to be concerned with.
I'm still not sure why I told John about this journal. Maybe to give him a little ... insight? into my brain and how it "functions". Whatever the reason, it bothers me to no end that John has read it and more than likely will read it again. Thats no good. Thus, this journal has been compromised.
John Bearden is a predator who without a doubt should be removed from society, one way or another. Right after he said he loved me, he confessed that he wished that I would kill him, obviously with no concern for what would happen after that. John hates himself, so that hate shines through as whatever it is he refers to as love.
I knew John for several years. Over of the course of which, John's infinite love continued to give me money to no end to go and buy drugs. Now, I liked meth before I met John, no doubt. However, John witnessed the first time I ever injected crystal meth into my veins, which was so insanely intensely sexually charged, I honestly felt I had no choice but to shed my clothes and masturbate. Hell, it was the most enjoyable sensation I had ever felt up to that point. Oh, I forgot to mention that first time I ever met John, I was waiting on the corner by (the late) Backstreet club in Atlanta waiting for a certain crack dealer to come back and sell me some crack. Well, it was the hookers that noticed he drove by like 3 times and was staring at me. I was waiting to buy $40 worth of crack and that was all the money I had at that time. I left him with something over a hundred bucks in my pocket. The second time we departed it was over $200.
Enter my part of the situation: I couldn't pass up a mark like that. I was an inch away from being homeless in Atlanta (due entirely to my own actions in Florida) and in my mind, this was it. Since John is like twice my age, he is very far from attractive. I did pick up on the fact that he was kinda smart (unfortunately, the only thing he knows about are radio waves, but he plays it off well), so I would try very hard to impress him with my "knowledge" that I had. This was so I could still be around him and get money from him without having to do anything sexual.
But that didn't matter, cuz he knew that whenever I shot up crystal meth, I enjoyed putting on a show. :) So the money for drugs came easily. In fact, in retrospect, the only thing as easy as getting money out of him for drugs was getting money for either food or porn. And you can guess which of those three I didn't need much of with all the IV crystal meth use. Oh, cuz don't get me wrong: he loves it too. In fact, his whole sex drive is dependant upon it now. But that means nothing to me.
So thats the nutshell of how the second most unhealthy relationship I have ever been in came into being. The first one was all my fault and is a source of extreme guilt still today. I refuse to blame others for my problems, so I can't say John "took advantage of me" very easily. But, that is precisely what he did. And, to be fair, I let him. It just so happens to be very easy to let people take advantage of me when I am high, and I'm pretty that is how it is with just about anyone when they are high or drunk.
Lets put it like this: I was on my way to being a slave to crystal meth before I met John, no question. However, keeping with the slavery metaphor, once John saw the effect of my IV crystal use, he pretended to be a friend while at the same time shoving the shackles and chains onto my wrists and legs. True love.
Well, John, if you ever read this, like I kinda hope you do, I pray it makes a you think twice before shovelling drugs into your next victim. I could give a shit about you. You would be doing us all a favor if you committed suicide. You are a psychic leech who feeds on younger and smarter men. You should have been killed a long time ago. Oh, and that piece of shit house you built should have been burned down by me that weekend after you unloaded your gun at me and Rachel.
SAVE THE PLANET -- KILL YOURSELF!
ps...and if you read this before I get a chance to get rid of your new phone you got me, then just spare me from having to procrastinate and just shut the fucker off. Enjoy the (what I am sure is a) very short life you have left, you miserable old bastard. See ya in hell. |
|
|
| Its wierd.... |
[Feb. 4th, 2006|12:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Massive Attack - Inertia creeps | ] |
For some strange reason, I feel the character development of the voices in my head is important. Significant. Weighty. Of course, I have been known to blow things out of proportion. And then, also, I've been known to be proven right after very many disbeliefs. Wow... sounds deep.
Further explanation at this point would be futile. Stay tuned. |
|
|
| Amazing.... |
[Jan. 29th, 2006|07:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Blackalicious - You Didn't Know That Though | ] |
For just about every minute that has passed since I last saw John, my self-esteem grows. Amazing. I love it. I almost forgot who I was. |
|
|
| So what now? |
[Jan. 28th, 2006|11:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mr. Scruff - Mr. Scruff - Happy New Ear Mix | ] |
Who knows... it doesn't matter, really... John is already back to ... wherever his head is... and acting like the last couple days didn't even happen. Oh no. I wonder when he'll figure it out. Knowing him, probably never.
Now, don't get me wrong, I've been the main cause of several very unhealthy relationships before... certified asshole status. But this one takes the cake. There is NOTHING positive about my association with John. Nothing. There isn't any respect, thats for damn sure, and no trust, either. What the hell comes after that thats worth a damn without those two? Nothing. |
|
|
| "How's work going...?" |
[Jan. 26th, 2006|10:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | DJ Krush - Nick Wiz / John Klemmer / Beats International - Four Elements / Yes Yo Life/Just Be Good | ] |
It would be nice if I could have said something to the effect that I was actually just planning out some shit with someone today... I could, even...but that wouldn't be very honest, now would it? Can't have that... gotta go. Fuck it... |
|
|
| Odd... |
[Jan. 26th, 2006|02:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Slug - The Ocean | ] |
I feel like I'm coming out of this haze of physiological distress from crystal meth.. Bad timing, of course... its 2:30 in the damn morning... My horoscope for today:
You are in touch with your inner self now and you fully know what you
are worth. As much as it's important not to accept a job too far below
your skill level, your currently dignity allows you to do nearly
anything today with grace and style. To avoid confusion from your own
feelings, stay focused on the positive aspects of your life.
(Wed, January 25, 2006)
Thats not too bad of a description for how I feel... I dunno, I guess eating like crazy coupled with some serious Jack Daniels and marijuana consuption lends toward clarity in some wierd way. I don't feel to great about myself, but for some reason, things aren't as hopeless as it seems. Hopefully... I need to get some sleep, because any effort to obtain gainful employment that want's to be considered "serious," has to start as early as ... early. :) The earlier, the better I suppose. Its 2:35 am now, and I'm only slightly tired. I think I know the cure to his small dilemma...
(oh god how I want to turn the music up loud right now)
... a weise man once said "SMOKE MORE WEED!!"
"And when they asked if you treated me right, I'll have to lie and say 'yes' if I'm to answer the question." -- Slug |
|
|
| Empty... |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|02:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I've never felt this empty inside. My life has been spinning out of control for so long, I don't know if I can come back. I wish I was dead.. only I don't because I don't want my parents to hurt like that. I love them and they are the only people who love me. I want help, but I where can I get it? I need to be locked away in a long term residential drug treatment facility. I have no insurance, so no way to pay for it. Unless I get arrested, which I guess is inevitable. I hate myself. I feel so worthless. I'm 28 years old and have nothing to show for it. Everything I do ends up fucked up. |
|
|
| For good or bad, this is it... |
[Dec. 20th, 2005|09:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | William S. Burroughs - 09-William S. Burroughs - Did I Ever Tell You About the Man That Taught His A | ] |
... No use "running" from anything. Face the music. Sink or swim. Do or die. That is the ongoing theme for me. |
|
|
| Holy shit... |
[Nov. 29th, 2005|01:02 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Method Man - Biscuits | ] |
What the fuck have I done? We'll see... |
|
|
| New Mexico? Adios... |
[Nov. 28th, 2005|04:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | okay | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Beatnuts - Are You Ready | ] |
Fuck that state. I'm out. If I didn't leave, I would have ended up in a grave or a prison worse than the skull-sized one I currently am working on getting out of. Easier said than done, but oh well. I tried not giving a fuck about anything and that doesn't work too well for me.
All I have to do is get a damn job... whenever I've had one before, shit seemed to go okay. :) Whatever. I just got here last night, and oh guess what? The withdrawal is kicking in damn hard now. Started about a few hours ago. Damn near seizure-like electric shocks to the fucking dome piece. I really need some herbz, but I guess Mr. Daniels will have to suffice for right now. JD isn't exactly the best thing to help withdrawal, but it does help a little bit. And a little bit of help is a lot more than I deserve.
I can't even remember what my last post was... I don't think I mentioned Tonya's fucked up ass. And honestly, I don't think I need to. Just another fucked up bitch that doesn't matter anymore. Tonya made me realize that women cannot be trusted (as if Rachel wasn't enough, right?!). My mistake was thinking that I /needed/ her. Well, that was just my insecurity coming through. My self-esteem is quite close to the lowest its ever been in my life, but at least I know that I can't peg that shit to anyone else. To do so is to ask to be hurt again...and again...and again. Well, fuck that. Shit hurts enough without having to ask for it. My masochism only goes so far |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92){kind=small}
atlscorp24's journal